Golddiggers

Golddiggers come in many forms.  From the traditional young woman with the older man, to the sweet innocent relative that just happens to be at the right place at the right time, on purpose.

This topic has a special place in my heart because we were infultrated by one of the most incidious pieces of trash I have ever known.  We were able to thwart this person from taking my father from house and home, but this person got away with $250K tax free dollars.  She's a big reason I decided to do this site-- to share some of the things I wish I would have done differently, so that if you're reading this in this situation, you can take appropriate action.  It took one day, a few hours, of leaving my father out of my site-- and he was on his way to an appointment with an attorney to change his will, 30 days prior to the day he died. Once the damage was done, this woman did not return to the situation, and left my father to die alone.  At the same time, with her being successful at sucking up to all the right people in the family to get her paid down the road (personal representative, trustee).

One of the biggest hurdles for myself, and I think a lot of people in these kinds of situations is denial.  It's very painful to come to terms that people could stoop to such lows.  Even worse when you realize it's happening in front of your face.  It's the kind of situation you wish would just go away.  It makes dealing with everything else that's happening that much harder.  The reality is if you suspect it's happening, it most likely IS happening, and it MUST be dealt with.  Chances are, if they finally do leave the situation, it's because they've been successful at manuvering themselves into the will or trust, or, simply taking money (or things) while the person is still alive.  If they do up and leave one day for no apparent reason....I'd check the will if I were you.

The bottom line is these people have to be removed from the situation, by any means necessary.  This is difficult sometimes because they have woven themselves into the hearts of your loved one.  They will not think twice about putting lies into your loved one's head,  and turning them against you.  You want to leave your loved one out of this discussion.  Because, frankly, if the Golddigger has made it this far-- exposing the truth to your loved one, is just going to break their heart, in the last moments of their life.

What I would suggest is dealing with them outside of the situation.  By the situation I mean wherever your loved one is at.  They have to be afraid to come back.  There are many ways to do this-- and I'm sure your imagination can run wild.  I'm not necessarily condoning criminal behavior-- but I am suggesting that you do whatever you can do (short of getting arrested).  Because once the damage is done, and your loved one has passed, there is no turning back.  If there's still time, there's still time.  It's a lot cheaper to get out of jail sometimes than it is hiring attornies to "fight" in your behalf down the road.  Make a business decision.

This would be a good time to become familiar with the law.  If you have close personal friends who are attorneies, or perhaps in law enforcement-- this would be the time to talk to them.  Do a background check on your suspect if you haven't already.  Its also beneficial to keep a journal of all events taking place with dates, times, and any other witnesses.  If there are any reciepts to gather, gather them.  There is no substitute for a complete journal down the road-- as time skews your perception of what happened, chain of events, and who was involved in the situation.  Further than that, get a recorder, and start speaking into it directly.

If this is happening at a hospital, make sure nurses are adding notes to the chart-- especially if there is suspicious behavior.  You want them to make notes of who was in the room, what visitors, and at what times.  They are not stupid, and see this thing all the time.  Perhaps you can find a nurse that is compassionate with your situation.  Don't be afraid to ask for help.  This is unique situation, and not everyone goes through it-- nor knows what it's like.  However, if you can find someone that has "been there", they can be your best allie at time time.

At the end of the day-- you do all you can do.  Doing everything in your power to remediate the situation (while staying out of jail) is what is going to help you sleep at night when its all said and done.  It's terrible enough we must lose the people we love, and its not fair we have deal with things like Golddiggers.  I think that's one of the things I had to come to terms with the quickest-- is noboby ever said "life is fair".  In the grand scheme of things, when you look at your situation in the presence of another with even worse pain-- it puts it in perspective.  Its useful to find people have been through even harder times, and worse situations.

As for the Golddiggers, in the chance they get away with it, they will have to live with what they've done.  Some believe in karma, some believe in the Theory of Relativity...and the further I get away from situations, I'd have to agree.  Take a look at Anna Nicole Smith.  Read about that story, look at what she did, and where she is today.  That's just a blaitant example-- but when you get right down to it, all the similarities ring true.  If it hasn't happened right away...give it some time.  That money they're trying to steal is "blood money". It will most likely be the worst decision they've ever made.

Why people will do things like this, I'll never know.  Actually, I do know, but it's just not me.  And, if you're reading this, it's probably not you either.  You're a good person, one with morals, and values... who could never live with taking advantage of a situation like this.  The scarrey thing is how easy it is to do-- and that there's people out there without as much moral fortitude.  They only care about themselves, and are willing to go to any lengths to impose their will.

If I could give you any advice at all during this time, if you are right in the "middle" of this situation:  if you think it's happening, its proably happening.  Do what you can to confront this head on.  Try to keep your loved one out of it.  Try to gain the support of your family, so you may be a united front against this person.  And, if you're afraid....that's OK....Having courage does not mean not having fear.  It means taking action despite that fear.  You will never regret taking action when this is all finished.  Even if the person has "successfully" infiltrated the situation...with a united front, and a determined heart...if your loved one is still alive, there is time to make things right.

God Bless,
DP

Clearing the Situation: Of Evildoers

From my own experience, I went through a period where my senses were heightened...dramatically.  I was hyper sensitive to what was going on around me, and my intuition was at an all time high.  Trusting that intuition is going to be one of your best allies during this time.  There will most likely come a point, if it has not happened already, that lines will be drawn in the sand.  People take their sides, and posture up.  The quicker you can make the situation safe for yourself and loved one—to sooner you can focus all your attention on simply “being there” for the person you’re going to lose.

If you are the person "in charge" at this time, meaning you're the power of attorney or health care surrogate, all eyes will be on you.  You will be looked upon as a leader by some, and as the devil by others.  Especially if hard decisions have to be made, and there will probably come a time when that happens.  Decisions like stopping life support, calling for a hospice intervention, paying bills, talking to doctors, and simply what to do next.  A leader must emerge during this time, and if you’re reading this, it probably should be you.  If this is left to someone else, with ill intent, it can cut you off from time spent with your loved one, and worse, have them take advantage of your loved one in the most vulnerable times of their life.

What is not written on health care directives or power of attorney papers is the fact that you need to do whatever you can to "protect" the weak and vulnerable.  Don't be surprised if people start showing up out of the blue asking for money owed.  Don't be surprised when relatives start to decent upon the situation-- either wanted or unwanted, with open hands and a crocodile tear in their eye.  

Don't be afraid to take all the valuables and store them in a safe place during this time (jewelry, cash, other items of value).  There is a fine line between doing what's right, and pissing the person off that you're trying to protect.  You have to wear many hats. However, this is one mantra that worked well for me during this time..."do exactly what Dad wants me to do...or what I know Dad would want done."  

If you've been given this power and trust by your loved one-- they obviously have some sort of faith in you.  Don't be afraid to exercise that strength-- and let everyone else know who's in charge.  If there are suspecting people looming around the situation-- do your best to get rid of them, IMMEDIATELY.  If you feel in your heart they are "up to no good", you're probably right.  Do what you can to "clear" the situation.  Just like when the SWAT team rushes through building looking around every corner with guns drawn.  You must do everything you can to remove any enemies or evildoers at this time.  The longer you wait, to let them dig in...the harder its going to be to get rid of them.  Remove anyone from the situation you fear will cause harm-- whether physical, emotional, financial, or spiritual.  You don't have to do this right in front of your loved one's face, unless it’s absolutely necessary.  Do not, and I repeat, do not settle for anything less than a cleared situation.

Once you've done this, it’s going to be easier to gather yourself and see the work that really needs to be done.  It will be much easier to make difficult decisions when all that is there are health care providers, or hospice, and 100% loyal/supportive family members and true friends.  You may be surprised to find out who your real friends are during this time.  People who have been so called "friends" for years may end up not being there at all-- for whatever selfish reasons.  This is a time when you're going to we walking through your days with truth goggles.  You may be seeing the world for the first time, and sometimes, it isn’t pretty.

Once you've cleared the situation, you can also put 100% of your energy into being with the person you love, that is going to pass.  They deserve your total attention.  This time can be used to make any final direct amends you need to make.  Do not waste this time.  Be courageous.  There is never a time when you've said "I love you" too many times.  You cannot overdue it here.  It is easy to run away from these kinds of situations, as its very painful.  If you're afraid....that's OK....be afraid, and tell them you love them anyway, tell them you're sorry for "X" anyway.  Take advantage of any time you have left where they're still awake and alive.  You'll never regret this time you've spent.  On the contrary, you might never forgive yourself for wasting this precious time.

I do not preach violence, but you must be willing to do whatever you can do to keep this sacred space, sacred.  If people are trying to break through the gates, you must be very aware of what their intentions are.  Sometimes there are legitimate people that want to be there for genuine reasons.  Perhaps they want to make their own amends, or express their love or gratitude for this person before they go.   

However, don't be fooled by people who are just positioning themselves for what could be a payday in the long-term, or simply, stealing in the short term. This is a time to act decisively, directly, and fiercely.  You must be willing to through your life on the line, to protect the person you love.  They need you now, more than ever.  This is a time when boys become men, and girls become women.  It’s time to rise to the occasion.

Also, be wary of the drugs that may be in the house, and what kind of people that attracts.  Sometimes those people are in the immediate family.  If Hospice is involved there is most likely a large amount of narcotics at the premises.  If you haven't already done so, get a safe.  Even a $20 Walmart heavy lock box is better than nothing.  Keep everything in one place, and have one person in charge of distributing the medication- preferably you.

This is a difficult time.  In an ideal world, this should be a time spent of service to the person you love.  Being there, 100%.  The talks you have with that person will be cherished for the rest of your life.  You may see them in a new light, and vise versa.  As death approaches, people may change.  You may enter the realm of the sacred.  You may have a spiritual awakening, or many.  You may have a time of reconciliation, peace, and harmony.  You may see how all the fighting that went on during you life with this person, was just a façade.  What counts here, is that you love them, and they love you too.  In my experience, this kind of environment of healing (through death), is only possible once the situation is clear.